Its supposed to be the greatest thing in the world to love someone, and have them love you back. But for some people, they are getting in their own paths to true happiness. Fear makes you trepid and anxious and can lead you to create all kinds of reasons for avoiding love. Its so crazy when you think about it logically, how can someone be afraid of happiness? How can someone have reservations about allowing someone love you? Sometimes, its not always about a phobia... A friend of mine, J, she said sometimes those people who avoid commitment aren't always afraid of it, they simply realize the seriousness of it and therefore approach it with great caution. Being one of those people, I like to think of it like that too.
What are you afraid of? A question that is simple enough to ask, but the answer can hold infinite ends. I'm afraid of getting hurt, I'm afraid of losing love, I'm afraid of letting someone in, I'm afraid of trusting, I'm afraid of intimacy. Fear...will be the death of love. Love isn't going anywhere, but if we continue to remain paralyzed by hypothetical casualties then we are missing out on life. Shakespere said, "Our doubts are traitors, And make us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt, " in his play Measure for Measure. And how true that is...how many things have you missed out on because you were too afraid to simply try? How many of us have overlooked love, we saw it, recognized it, and ran the other way out of fear. How many of us have brought our past relationships into our present ones leaving our current mates chipping at the wall around our hearts with a butterknife. Its insane. WHY are we afraid of happiness.
Speaking from personal experience, I know that I have rules that allow me to keep it casual. For instance, I never use real names. Once u name the puppy you're keeping it, silly as it sounds. Another thing, titles, you can't break up if you're never together. Homeboys 4 life lol, I have been in a 5 year non-relationship with a guy 75% of my friends have no idea of his real name. And last night he asks, me 'What am I afraid of'... EVERYTHING! Its scary to care so much about a person, and to have them know you as intimately as people in relationships do. Its terrifying to imagine that you are vulnerable and they can hurt you more than anyone in the world because unlike with family you have chosen to share your life with them, you have voluntarily divulged secrets, flaws, likes and dislikes, habits, idosyncracies, dreams, goals, fears, experiences and all with them and you are trusting them with the most personal details of your life.
I don't know why you love me, and thats why I love you...
Funny little line, but its so true. Those people that love you, when you're a commitment phobe you wonder why? When you know all the good as well as the bad, why do you stay? After I refuse to let you in, won't commit to you, put you in the friendship zone, and in some cases even encourage you to persue other relationships...but still you love me. I saw a quote on mySpace and it read, "Sometimes people build walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." I think there's some truth to that because after a heartbreak, a wall goes up no matter how hard you try to avoid it, and you develop these defense mechanisms to keep you from getting hurt again. Ever player in the game has experiences a great heartbreak that lead them to that lifestyle. But you know, if you keep pushing and pushing, eventually they'll leave. Now what? Was it worth it? Was the threat of love worse than lonliness? Will meaningless relationships and frivilous sexual escapades fill the void left by the one you threw away?
I tell my mother, step-father, aunts & uncles, sisters, best friends, cousins and friends I love them all the time. I make it a point for the people in my life to know how much they mean to me...but when it comes down to this person, this guy who's been there pushing me to open up, patiently awaiting his turn I can't say the words. I would love to think that it'll come in time, that one day I'll grow out of it and one day I'll wake up and want to shout it from the rooftops...but I just don't know. For now I guess, fear and I will continue our tryst. Back and forth until one of us surrenders.
2 comments:
I whole-heartedly agree that people build walls to see who is willing to tear them down. As someone who definitely has trust issues when it comes to men I completely understand the issue with commitment. In your own time you may or may not decide to overcome your phobia. But know that if this person has been around for that long he is more than likely genuine and he probably is not going anywhere until you let him know that there is no possible way you will ever say those words back to him. You have a strong support system amongst your family and friends to help you work through your phobia. Not exactly sure where yours stems from but my trust issues stem from a series of let downs, which is usually the most common thing. I love you and I'm sure many will agree with the fact that however you decide to handle the situation we are here for you.
Jess this is great. It really is amazing how love rules over us. It could me love of God, of family, or a relationsheip, it all tends to control our daily activities. I think that only you know when are ready for those walls to broken. But when you are really ready, remember love with all you have, don't hold back in loving, because in reality that is not real love.
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