Walking forward, glancing back

So I was talking to one of my oldest and dearest, M, the other night and as I sat there I thought of all the things our friendship has spanned through. From 10 to 23, that is a LONG time and it encompasses so much growth and maturity and looking back things that were pressing and important at the time now hardly catch my memory radar. The longer I thought about our particular friendships the more I thought about growing up in general. Just a year ago would I have predicted I am where I am today? Could I have known all that last year or even yesterday would hold? Who can plan for this stuff??

Relationships have moved from a new boyfriend every two weeks to now thinking, can I spend the rest of my life with you. Where did that come from? I feel like just yesterday I was having my first kiss with my first crush and now I'm buying wedding gifts for my best friends and thinking about my own future. It feels surreal. Jobs have moved from simply, how much is the discount, to does it have benefits and what are the stock options and 401k plans? The terms Roth IRA and pension plan now mean something to me. When exactly did I grow up? When did things get complicated and where is nap time? Friends I thought would always be there have come and gone, and people I thought were only seasonal have weathered the storm with me. In learning about myself I have also learned about others and that there are really not many people in life whom you can really count on, but when you find them cherish them and treat them with kindness and respect because a TRUE friend is one of the rarest kind.

I guess I'm pretty grateful for all the things I've been through, good and bad, because they have helped shape me into the person I am today--a person that I'm pretty pleased with overall. But its funny how far even college feels from where I am right now. Someplace I just was a month ago, but not really. I consider my college days over Dec. 17, 2006 but that's a technicality. I went back to visit and realized that just like middle school, and high school, I loved it for what it was and I'll cherish the memories but you can't go back. And I don't want to. I'm excited about what the future holds and while I'm one who prefers order to chaos. I trust that I'm prepared for whatever I'm about to encounter.

I'm not exactly sure when it happened. At what moment I was officially considered grown, and independent...but I'm accepting that it is a fact of life. I'm responsible for my own actions and while my parents will always be there, are not there in the same ways they once were. Its a bit daunting to be honest but what's a ride without the unexpected twists and turns? I can't help but think about that famous quote by Marianne Williamson inquiring about our deepest fear. I think now at this point in my life that quote is particularly relevant as I am ready to accept the challenge of realizing my full potential. I have been through enough trials to know that the only way to deal with fear is to confront it and that He'll TRULY never put more on you than you can bear. So I embrace my grown up self a little wiser, and a little stronger than I once was...but still with youthful anticipation and anxiety. This place that I'm in is only the beginning.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

*Marianne Williamson*