So I've been thinking a lot lately about the things that hold us back from realizing our full potential...I was reading scripture the other night and I got to the verse, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and ever situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through HIM who gives me strength." Phil. 4:12-13 And from that I got that results are not ours they belong to Him, we are not in control and so fear should never be a factor in actions because a servants role is to follow-stepping out on faith. That being said I thought about how much fear, trepidation, insecurities, and doubt consume our lives. We sabotage relationships because we're afraid of being vulnerable. We pass on job opportunities because we doubt our qualifications. We refuse to grow spiritually and emotionally because we are anxious about others perceptions of the 'new us'. A and I laugh but its so true the song we heard that day in church, "My friends don't treat me like they used to since I laid my burdens down." And so often its TRUE. But you know the people who can't stick with you through progress are not the crowd you need anyway...
But this notion of fear...doubt...anxiety...we were not given the spirit of fear at yet it is alive in so many of us. Shakespeare said, "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt." What's in a try? What does it hurt to fail, really? It builds character, makes you tenacious, shows perseverance...but its so hard to just attempt sometimes. We will talk ourselves out of something fabulous and settle for something OK and feel terrible for it, never wonder what if. Life is not a dress rehearsal its the SHOW so go full out because what you'll never get by being anxious is the time u wasted wondering should I/shouldn't I...
The only failures in life are the ones who fail to try. For Lent I gave up being counter-productive. I tried to make decisions that were smart and led to bettering myself. If you have to wonder, don't. Lol your 1st instinct is usually the right one I feel. I promised myself that 2008 would be the year that I started living the fabulous life I always imagined I'd live. Thus far it hasn't disappointed. Sure there are always areas where one could improve but I'm not expecting some grand overnight change. HD says expectation is the only door to disappointment. How novel an idea and so true. I know this post was full of cliches but you know sometimes those lil quotes and idioms really touch ppl, you just never know!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Poetry...
I dunno why but I find myself attracted to Love poetry a la Love Jones. Once I rewatched that movie I realized why I loved it in the 1st place, and not only for the story but for the art aspect too. The photography of Nina, the poetry of Darius, the songs that filled the background. Its an all around one of a kind beautiful movie. Anyway here's a few poems that I love..
She Said
She Said
Write me a poem
Don’t tell me how my thighs
Are landmarks for freedom
How my breast can satisfy any mans thirst
You need not inform me how
my back bone bridges gaps
cornerstone nations
Need not mention the Iroquois in my cheek bones
Don’t state the obvious
Write me a poem
Color me in calligraphy
Feather pen me concrete
Don’t Cliff Note me beautiful
Opened palms
exposed life lines
Said
Read the text, the body,
the scripture of me
Study my Genesis
Then tell me your revelation
I am no fortune teller
No soothsayer
I know no magic
I haven’t studied the stars,
aligned planets,
or seen aura’s
I don’t know all the languages of god
She replied in sacred tone
Well, why do your eyes tell more than say?
Don’t seduce me with small talk
Don’t pretend to be not
I am here to inspire you
Show you what can’t been seen
Before I could answer she interjected
You’ll never be a real poet
Until you reach inside
Stretch yourself long
expose your soul
Loose what wants to be written
I said
But I come from a
Small cabbage patch of
Corn bread and collard green people
Who lead Cotton Gin lives
Those who live in the boundaries of circumstances
There are moments when I am scared of possibilities
Nervous about the uncertain
Her response
We require more of you
We have brought you this far
Only to show you the way
Write me a poem
Describe freedom
Create a sunset
Capture a moment
Freeze frame a second
Stop time
Be witch already is
I collect myself
Tell her we are lines from the same stanza
Memories from same dream
Text from the same pen
We are
Butterfly’s fluttering through paradise dancing with dandelions
Shades of Prayer Robe Orange, Brunt Amber, and Hollywood Rouge
Highlighted on canvas of ski and night
A smile summarized in lights and shadows
Overlooking rocking chair, love seat, end table, sweet tea
Served over ice
We are Beginning Middle End
~George McDonald
to all the boys I've loved before
part 1:
we are not your mothers
and are not meant to be
it is not our responsibility to raise you into respectful beings
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for yearsyet you come to us wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time
trying to suckle our sense of self drywe've become much to accustomed to sleepless nights and damp pillows have become accustomed to waiting for our empty beds
to be weighed down with the bodies of men heavy with the scent and the hands of other women
mornings with swollen puffy eyes are becoming routine
and we simply wanting to be loved
simply wanting to be able to love ourselves unconditionally
simply wanting to be held and feel safesimply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not
play Hester Prynn wear scarlet letters on our chests
become adulteresses cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
willing to settle for lesswilling to act like a little less than a goddesses
willing to sleep with the enemymen too scared to stop acting like boys
thinking we can love away their scarsso we take the lashes of the insecurities they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we lose by the minute
fast fading memories of playing hopscotchand skippin' rope
we now play freeze tag with each other's heartsplay hide and seek with our love
if we just don't breathe maybe we won't get caught
up in the spider's web we weave while waiting for what we give away to be returned
part 2:
you said you had a photographic memory
but apparently you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself
and the ones you claim you loveshould have never wasted my time and just acted like the man you claimed and told the world you were
made a production of setting my folks at ease with tales of how you'd do all it ever took to never break my heart
I guess you thought you were talking to a roomful of the deaf and blind
figured they didn't hear youcoz I never saw it coming
but the truth cannot be hidden what's clouded in darkness will always come to light my love
you shoulda known that
claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
so I left chasing paper trails of promises you'd already set on fire
left with nothing but the ashes of who you'd written that you were
and singed fingers from trying to grasp the impossibleand the only thing I've really lost are lukewarm kissest
hat for too long I kept trying to tune the beat of my heart, a few lies, and stories about honesty and truth
I guess shit happens
I just wish it wasn't me
and I guess
it's so much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allI know that's some easy shit to say but I'm still gonna try to live by it
I'm still gonna try to put my faith to rest in it
I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining
full of the knowledge I am priceless and worth nothing but honestyI will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and hold the hand of the little girl I used to be
and say I'm sorry to her
I'm sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
and I will wait for a man to come along that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me
~Mayda de Valle
Resignation
I love you
because the earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off this Earth
into another dimensionI love you
because it is the natural order of things
I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I'm sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
though my life a mess
I love you
because I don't want it
any other way.
I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it's been so good for so long
that if I didn't love you
I'd have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you
The Dells tell me Love
is so simple the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible
if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can't sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined thatI should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you
I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than
I love my privacy
my freedom
my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you
~Nikki Giovanni
She Said
She Said
Write me a poem
Don’t tell me how my thighs
Are landmarks for freedom
How my breast can satisfy any mans thirst
You need not inform me how
my back bone bridges gaps
cornerstone nations
Need not mention the Iroquois in my cheek bones
Don’t state the obvious
Write me a poem
Color me in calligraphy
Feather pen me concrete
Don’t Cliff Note me beautiful
Opened palms
exposed life lines
Said
Read the text, the body,
the scripture of me
Study my Genesis
Then tell me your revelation
I am no fortune teller
No soothsayer
I know no magic
I haven’t studied the stars,
aligned planets,
or seen aura’s
I don’t know all the languages of god
She replied in sacred tone
Well, why do your eyes tell more than say?
Don’t seduce me with small talk
Don’t pretend to be not
I am here to inspire you
Show you what can’t been seen
Before I could answer she interjected
You’ll never be a real poet
Until you reach inside
Stretch yourself long
expose your soul
Loose what wants to be written
I said
But I come from a
Small cabbage patch of
Corn bread and collard green people
Who lead Cotton Gin lives
Those who live in the boundaries of circumstances
There are moments when I am scared of possibilities
Nervous about the uncertain
Her response
We require more of you
We have brought you this far
Only to show you the way
Write me a poem
Describe freedom
Create a sunset
Capture a moment
Freeze frame a second
Stop time
Be witch already is
I collect myself
Tell her we are lines from the same stanza
Memories from same dream
Text from the same pen
We are
Butterfly’s fluttering through paradise dancing with dandelions
Shades of Prayer Robe Orange, Brunt Amber, and Hollywood Rouge
Highlighted on canvas of ski and night
A smile summarized in lights and shadows
Overlooking rocking chair, love seat, end table, sweet tea
Served over ice
We are Beginning Middle End
~George McDonald
to all the boys I've loved before
part 1:
we are not your mothers
and are not meant to be
it is not our responsibility to raise you into respectful beings
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for yearsyet you come to us wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time
trying to suckle our sense of self drywe've become much to accustomed to sleepless nights and damp pillows have become accustomed to waiting for our empty beds
to be weighed down with the bodies of men heavy with the scent and the hands of other women
mornings with swollen puffy eyes are becoming routine
and we simply wanting to be loved
simply wanting to be able to love ourselves unconditionally
simply wanting to be held and feel safesimply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not
play Hester Prynn wear scarlet letters on our chests
become adulteresses cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
willing to settle for lesswilling to act like a little less than a goddesses
willing to sleep with the enemymen too scared to stop acting like boys
thinking we can love away their scarsso we take the lashes of the insecurities they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we lose by the minute
fast fading memories of playing hopscotchand skippin' rope
we now play freeze tag with each other's heartsplay hide and seek with our love
if we just don't breathe maybe we won't get caught
up in the spider's web we weave while waiting for what we give away to be returned
part 2:
you said you had a photographic memory
but apparently you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself
and the ones you claim you loveshould have never wasted my time and just acted like the man you claimed and told the world you were
made a production of setting my folks at ease with tales of how you'd do all it ever took to never break my heart
I guess you thought you were talking to a roomful of the deaf and blind
figured they didn't hear youcoz I never saw it coming
but the truth cannot be hidden what's clouded in darkness will always come to light my love
you shoulda known that
claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
so I left chasing paper trails of promises you'd already set on fire
left with nothing but the ashes of who you'd written that you were
and singed fingers from trying to grasp the impossibleand the only thing I've really lost are lukewarm kissest
hat for too long I kept trying to tune the beat of my heart, a few lies, and stories about honesty and truth
I guess shit happens
I just wish it wasn't me
and I guess
it's so much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allI know that's some easy shit to say but I'm still gonna try to live by it
I'm still gonna try to put my faith to rest in it
I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining
full of the knowledge I am priceless and worth nothing but honestyI will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and hold the hand of the little girl I used to be
and say I'm sorry to her
I'm sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
and I will wait for a man to come along that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me
~Mayda de Valle
Resignation
I love you
because the earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off this Earth
into another dimensionI love you
because it is the natural order of things
I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I'm sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
though my life a mess
I love you
because I don't want it
any other way.
I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it's been so good for so long
that if I didn't love you
I'd have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you
The Dells tell me Love
is so simple the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible
if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can't sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined thatI should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you
I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than
I love my privacy
my freedom
my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you
~Nikki Giovanni
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Walking forward, glancing back
So I was talking to one of my oldest and dearest, M, the other night and as I sat there I thought of all the things our friendship has spanned through. From 10 to 23, that is a LONG time and it encompasses so much growth and maturity and looking back things that were pressing and important at the time now hardly catch my memory radar. The longer I thought about our particular friendships the more I thought about growing up in general. Just a year ago would I have predicted I am where I am today? Could I have known all that last year or even yesterday would hold? Who can plan for this stuff??
Relationships have moved from a new boyfriend every two weeks to now thinking, can I spend the rest of my life with you. Where did that come from? I feel like just yesterday I was having my first kiss with my first crush and now I'm buying wedding gifts for my best friends and thinking about my own future. It feels surreal. Jobs have moved from simply, how much is the discount, to does it have benefits and what are the stock options and 401k plans? The terms Roth IRA and pension plan now mean something to me. When exactly did I grow up? When did things get complicated and where is nap time? Friends I thought would always be there have come and gone, and people I thought were only seasonal have weathered the storm with me. In learning about myself I have also learned about others and that there are really not many people in life whom you can really count on, but when you find them cherish them and treat them with kindness and respect because a TRUE friend is one of the rarest kind.
I guess I'm pretty grateful for all the things I've been through, good and bad, because they have helped shape me into the person I am today--a person that I'm pretty pleased with overall. But its funny how far even college feels from where I am right now. Someplace I just was a month ago, but not really. I consider my college days over Dec. 17, 2006 but that's a technicality. I went back to visit and realized that just like middle school, and high school, I loved it for what it was and I'll cherish the memories but you can't go back. And I don't want to. I'm excited about what the future holds and while I'm one who prefers order to chaos. I trust that I'm prepared for whatever I'm about to encounter.
I'm not exactly sure when it happened. At what moment I was officially considered grown, and independent...but I'm accepting that it is a fact of life. I'm responsible for my own actions and while my parents will always be there, are not there in the same ways they once were. Its a bit daunting to be honest but what's a ride without the unexpected twists and turns? I can't help but think about that famous quote by Marianne Williamson inquiring about our deepest fear. I think now at this point in my life that quote is particularly relevant as I am ready to accept the challenge of realizing my full potential. I have been through enough trials to know that the only way to deal with fear is to confront it and that He'll TRULY never put more on you than you can bear. So I embrace my grown up self a little wiser, and a little stronger than I once was...but still with youthful anticipation and anxiety. This place that I'm in is only the beginning.
Relationships have moved from a new boyfriend every two weeks to now thinking, can I spend the rest of my life with you. Where did that come from? I feel like just yesterday I was having my first kiss with my first crush and now I'm buying wedding gifts for my best friends and thinking about my own future. It feels surreal. Jobs have moved from simply, how much is the discount, to does it have benefits and what are the stock options and 401k plans? The terms Roth IRA and pension plan now mean something to me. When exactly did I grow up? When did things get complicated and where is nap time? Friends I thought would always be there have come and gone, and people I thought were only seasonal have weathered the storm with me. In learning about myself I have also learned about others and that there are really not many people in life whom you can really count on, but when you find them cherish them and treat them with kindness and respect because a TRUE friend is one of the rarest kind.
I guess I'm pretty grateful for all the things I've been through, good and bad, because they have helped shape me into the person I am today--a person that I'm pretty pleased with overall. But its funny how far even college feels from where I am right now. Someplace I just was a month ago, but not really. I consider my college days over Dec. 17, 2006 but that's a technicality. I went back to visit and realized that just like middle school, and high school, I loved it for what it was and I'll cherish the memories but you can't go back. And I don't want to. I'm excited about what the future holds and while I'm one who prefers order to chaos. I trust that I'm prepared for whatever I'm about to encounter.
I'm not exactly sure when it happened. At what moment I was officially considered grown, and independent...but I'm accepting that it is a fact of life. I'm responsible for my own actions and while my parents will always be there, are not there in the same ways they once were. Its a bit daunting to be honest but what's a ride without the unexpected twists and turns? I can't help but think about that famous quote by Marianne Williamson inquiring about our deepest fear. I think now at this point in my life that quote is particularly relevant as I am ready to accept the challenge of realizing my full potential. I have been through enough trials to know that the only way to deal with fear is to confront it and that He'll TRULY never put more on you than you can bear. So I embrace my grown up self a little wiser, and a little stronger than I once was...but still with youthful anticipation and anxiety. This place that I'm in is only the beginning.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
*Marianne Williamson*
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Love Song for No One (sorry Mayer)
If you were a love song
I would sing you everyday
Because I love the way
Your name feels across my lips.
If you were a love song
Your heart is the beat
A slow tempo it'd keep
Love is never in a rush.
If you were a love song
When you walked in a room
Folks would close their eyes and say
Mmm this is my JAM!
And they'd start to rock and sway.
If you were a love song
Your smile would be the opening rift
Your touch, the verse
And your kiss the bridge.
If you were a love song
I'd keep you on repeat
I'd play you until the record skipped
Then hum you all night long.
If you were a love song
You would top all the charts
Win all the lover's hearts
And sell out in a week.
If you were a love song
You'd be the timeless kind
Like, "If this world were mine"
Your song would hold such memories.
If you were a love song
I'd sing you every day
Just to remember the way
It sounds when you're loving me.
NO I'm not in love...NO this really isn't for anyone...any creative person can tell you sometimes something just stays on your mind until you do it. This was one of those things. It came to me yesterday i was like mm, if you were a love song I'd sing you every day. And I sat down and wrote this in literally 5 minutes. Guess thats just how the process goes. Anyway hope you enjoy!
I would sing you everyday
Because I love the way
Your name feels across my lips.
If you were a love song
Your heart is the beat
A slow tempo it'd keep
Love is never in a rush.
If you were a love song
When you walked in a room
Folks would close their eyes and say
Mmm this is my JAM!
And they'd start to rock and sway.
If you were a love song
Your smile would be the opening rift
Your touch, the verse
And your kiss the bridge.
If you were a love song
I'd keep you on repeat
I'd play you until the record skipped
Then hum you all night long.
If you were a love song
You would top all the charts
Win all the lover's hearts
And sell out in a week.
If you were a love song
You'd be the timeless kind
Like, "If this world were mine"
Your song would hold such memories.
If you were a love song
I'd sing you every day
Just to remember the way
It sounds when you're loving me.
NO I'm not in love...NO this really isn't for anyone...any creative person can tell you sometimes something just stays on your mind until you do it. This was one of those things. It came to me yesterday i was like mm, if you were a love song I'd sing you every day. And I sat down and wrote this in literally 5 minutes. Guess thats just how the process goes. Anyway hope you enjoy!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
101 Things to do in 1001 days
- Go to Italy
- Go to Greece
- Go to the Grand Canyon
- Go to Las Vegas
- Sell a photograph
- Buy a camera with money made solely from working
- Run a 5k
- Go to Washington, D.C.
- Go to a Falcons game
- Buy an Apple laptop
- Eliminate credit card debt
- Get accepted into a Graduate school Photography program
- Obtain my Masters degree
- Learn to speak Spanish fluently
- Own two pair of Burberry pajamas
- Own a pair of Jimmy Choo putty colored heels
- Own a pair of Christian Louboutin heels
- Learn to play tennis
- Learn the art of wine-tasting
- Begin to learn French
- Continue studying Sign Language
- Continue studying Italian
- Spend New Year's Eve on vacation
- Run everyday for a month
- Run everyday for 2 months
- Run everyday for 6 months
- Become a UT season ticket holder
- Travel to a Vols away game
- Get my own apartment
- Get my own condo
- Buy my own car
- Keep my hair regularly trimmed and permed
- Get glasses
- Shoot a wedding
- Shoot a family
- Shoot a Graduate
- Spend Christmas away from home
- Keep a professional pedicure throughout winter
- Spend a day at the spa
- Volunteer to work with victims of domestic violence
- Volunteer to work with deaf children
- Attend a Howard Homecoming
- Start a 401K
- Get a professional website up and running(http://web.utk.edu/~jwilli97 )
- Get business cards
- Go a month without McDonald's
- Go 2 months without McDonald's
- Go a month without fast food
- Go 2 months without fast food
- Attend a bridal expo (for professional reasons)
- Go to a Prince concert
- Own a receiver with surround sound
- Buy a projector
- Keep fresh flowers in my home for a month
- Own complete Harry Potter Hardback collection
- Take an alternative spring/summer/fall break
- Get off Facebook for a month
- Get off Facebook for 2 months
- Get a puppy
- Get an aquarium
- Learn FLASH
- Visit Hawaii
- Stay in a Four Seasons hotel
- See Wicked live
- See Aida live
- Send a postcard to Post Secret
- Vote in all 2008 presidential elections
- Have dinner alone
- Learn to play Poker
- Send Christmas cards of my own design
- Buy a full set of princess length pearls
- Buy diamond earrings
- Participate in Breast Cancer walk
- Ask a guy out on a date
- Drink water everyday for a month
- Wash off makeup and use moisturizer everyday for a month
- Work professionally in my field steadily
- Start taking a dance class
- Try strip-aerobics
- Visit museums in New York
- Go to an art gallery exhibition/opening
- Have a huge 25th birthday party
- Increase my credit score by 100 points
- Begin to write my book
- Do something nice for my step dad
- Do something nice for my mother
- Do something nice just with my sisters and I
- Do something nice just for Dresha and I
- End every personal phone call with I love you
- Support undiscovered jazz/neo-soul artists
- Attend UT game with entire family
- Wake up every weekday by 8 a.m.
- Take a cooking class
- STOP drinking and driving. Period.
- Blog more, its therapeutic :-)
- Read a book a week for a month
- Take my sister to a UGA game
- Visit Colorado
- Dentist 2x a year
- Read the newspaper (for more than the Crossword puzzle)
- Go 6 months without over drafting my checking account
- Make a new 101 list on the eve of my 1001st day (Sept 9, 2010)
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